Chapter 13

They rolled to a stop at the local museum. Tuomas knew they didn’t have much time, but Marco has a special affinity for shiny things, and he had already gone 20 hours without seeing one. Unfortunately they are the only thing that can calm him down after smoking weed and this was the only place where they could undoubtedly find some. As they entered there was no receptionist at the front desk. There was not a soul in sight. No matter. They just walked in. The monthly exhibit was on the French First Waffen SS Division, who enlisted in the German Nazi military after the conquest of France. It was a sobering reminder for the Nightwish realm that anyone, even the French, can descent into tyranny under some circumstances.

The museum use to be an old gothic cathedral. To this day it still has soaring spires and tall narrow windows. Everyone in the band simply stood there in the corridor amongst the glass cases and pedestals. Except Marco. He had never seen so many artefacts at once, and he did not know how to react. At first he was stunned, but not in a sobering way like the rest of the band. Then he exploded with joy and excitement. As a giant he already too up more space in the corridor than normal. When he started running wildly up and down the ground began to quake and the walls began to shake. The giant could not contain himself.

“Hey! What’s going on?” Shouted a voice from another room.

“Sorry.” Shouted Tuomas. “My friend here needs to look at shiny things to calm down.”

A lady with long blonde hair ran in. “Greetings to the Museum. I am, the curator,” she said. “Sir,” she addressed Marco, “if you must run around and wreck up the place, then please go over there,” she said, while motioning towards the Western modern art section. The giant didn’t object. As soon as he was through the door, she slammed it shut. She turned to the rest of the band.

“So… what brings such an odd group of people here? No one ever visits.”

This was embarrassing, even with the lasting effects of the weed.

“Our friend Marco wanted to see shiny things… I hope you understand.”

She sighed. “Since this place was constructed as a Church, giants have made the pilgrimage from all over Lapland to see shiny things. For centuries we have endured looting and grave robbing. Luckily it’s fairly easy to stop them (she glanced at the door. Marco was just beginning to figure out what had happened and was pounding away) so long as someone is here. Though strong, they’re no match for a quick-witted curator.

“So does it get lonely out here in the middle of Fangirlia?”

“No not at all. Sometimes I get up to two visitors per week. It can be quite exciting hearing the stories of travellers from afar. Though experienced, many have never seen such horror that bestows this region.”

“Yeah.” Agreed Tuomas. “Our roadie Kimmo took us through here. Oh speaking of which, has anyone seen Kimmo?”

“Not since we left the teahouse.” Said Emppu. “But I do remember him falling asleep briefly.”

They stood for a moment in silence.

“HEY. Let me OUT OF HERE!” Marco had been searching for the door for several minutes. After he said that he began to ram his head into the side of the wall after a running start. He attempted this a few times to no avail.

“Oh no! This again.” She ran towards the wall, but it was too late. On his final attempt, Marco had finally broken through. His head had punched a hole in the most opportune spot on the wall: through the face of Venus in Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus, which had been on loan to the Fangirlia Museum! The curator let him out. She had a new idea.

“So what’s the special exhibit this season?” Tuomas is always on the lookout of others’ artistic ideas to inspire and outright plagiarize.

“It’s right over here. It’s quite the little charmer. I find it to be completely adorable. It’s pompous and arrogant but it can be really funny at the same time. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

Tuomas had at first been excited, but then grew worried when she said “can be really funny…” Why could this mystery artist be? Who had mastered all that he had, plus humour?

She led them to the very front of the museum. In the very spot where the altar used to be there stood a white Romanesque pedestal. On it sat a bright pink cube with a golden symbol of a joker’s face. It had a very mischievous expression. Sticking out of its nose on one side was a crank and handle. A Jack-in-the-box it was!

Emppu observed for a moment then spoke: “I know that logo from somewhere! Tell me: what is this mysterious wonder?”

“Unfortunately nobody can be told what the exhibit is. You have to see it for yourself.”

For a moment the band was taken aback at the cryptic nature of the exhibit, but soon enough decided that it was probably quite safe. They had survived the Tearoom already, so what further harm could possibly befall them?

She looked at them closely. “I can tell you’ve decided. Everyone join hands. You too Whiney McFancypants.” Somehow the joke had circulated out of Dragonbot’s lair. Then she looked straight at Emppu. He blushed at her blue eyes met his. “Today is your lucky day mister. Turn the crank and see how far Mr Hopkins takes you.”

Emppu giggled excited, and began. Normal Jacks-in-the-box chime a familiar tune. This one did too though not a children’s tune. No. Something quite different. As he turned the music intensified. Faster and stronger it became. As he continued he could hear more and more different instruments joining in. Then the music filled their ears and the museum started to fade to white. They were rushing through a void of space, time and sound; the sound of the same tune. Then without warning, a familiar voice:

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO THE FREAKSHOW!”

Then the five of them remembered the familiar tune and what it was called: MYSTERIA!

They flew through the white for several seconds. Once the world stopped spinning they found themselves in a room full of the most beautiful paintings they had ever seen. In the background was a song.

“So… we’ve figured out the mysterious artist.” Emppu likes to state the obvious.

“Yes we have that snivelling little shit. How does he get this and not me?” asked Tuomas, not realizing that his jack-in-the-box was currently on loan to the Royal British Museum.

“The song is… beautiful,” said Anette, now almost breathless. “It makes me want to laugh, cry, and dance, even though it’s a slow song.”

Tuomas gave her a dirty look, extremely jealous of her admiration. She knew she had tread on the beast’s tail.

They walked through the gallery, in awe at the multitude of paintings and their extensive variety. Then the song began to fade, and the walls began to melt to white. The scene was changing. Just as soon as the rooms had become one shade they began to fill with colour. Soon enough they found themselves in a commercial airplane. A new song had begin; a fast, upbeat, carefree tune.

While everyone was in awe, Marco was completely confused. “What happen? Where cathedralmuseum go?”

Anette tried in vain. “Marco calm down. It’s the exhibit-“

“This is so compuzzling! What in fucktopia is happening?”

“Marco, just cover your eyes and count to ten. Everything will change.”

“GET! MUSEUM! BACK! NOW!” He pounded the wall of the airplane as the plane flew and the theatrical presentation identical to the music video continued.

Emppu took no notice of Marco. He had taken an empty seat and was laughing at the exhibit. It was just as if they had been cast as extras. “Oh my God Tuomas! Why can’t we make music videos like this?”

“Because, Emppu, we are a band that is serious business. No sex in airplane washrooms for us.”

“No. Just in graves, and in dreams... Oh and on ships! Nothing as pervy as an airplane, God forbid!”

Marco could take it no longer. He would get out of the exhibit one way or another.

* * *

Alone again, the curator browsed the Nightwish forum. She read aloud. “‘…low self-esteem. There is already enough of that in the Nightwish realm.’ Well ain’t that the goddamn truth.” With one hand she lifted her short skirt exposing her thigh. With the other she took a knife. “Hmm. I always wanted a star.” Then she heard a noise.

The box began to shake on its pedestal. Tobias Sammet’s Dreamland exhibit was about to close permanently!