Chapter 14

It began as a gentle rattle, and gradually intensified until the entire pedestal began to quake. The box could no longer take the strain of the giant’s might. It burst into a thousand shards, sending a crack down the center of the pedestal. The five of them came flying out. The curator took no notice. She sat there, tears streaming down her face, with the knife in her trembling but firm grasp. She could take the pain no longer.

“Hey, what’s the deal with- OH MY GOD!” Tuomas looked at her in shock and disgust. She looked back, embarrassed. He paced up and down the corridor. “Sick, sick, sick, SICK! Not that, not that!”

Anette walked over to her, and offered a comforting hand. She looked at Tuomas in scorn. “Calm down asshole. She is clearly quite troubled by her life alone in the mists of Fangirlia. Aren’t you?” she asked as she turned to her.

“I don’t care. This is Nightwish. Save your knife fetishes for when Cannibal Corpse rolls though. You can re-enact their songs then. In the mean-time we have to leave. Captain, are we good to go?”

He didn’t answer and he didn’t need to. Both of his pockets were spilling with spoils of loot. Lots and lots of shinies! Jukka’s piratey instincts had come in handy. The four men started towards the exit. Just as they were about to step outside, Tuomas turned back. “Anette, come on.” He whined.

She looked into the curator’s eyes one last time. “Sorry, but it is time.”

She stood and turned to the door. Once the curator realized what was truly happening she realized how quickly her dream was fading. “No…” she whispered.

Anette kept walking. Did she dare to look back? She stepped outside, turned and waved.

“NOOOOOOOO!”

“Close it! Quick!”

Anette slammed the door just as the lonesome curator reached it, crashing against the oaken boards. They ran to the bus before she could find another exit.

“Marco, have you seen enough shiny?”

He said nothing, dazed and blinded by his hedonistic gorging of eyecandy. He was completely pacified.

“Well glad that adventure’s over.” And with that he drove off.

Organizing a road trip is amongst the most difficult part of being in a band. Despite being the leader of the band, Tuomas often delegated his tasks to others so that he could focus on more important things, like manicures and his designer wardrobe. On this one particular leg of the tour he would regret this indifference.

The tour bus was definitely below Nightwish standard. It did not have leather upholstery or exotic Persian rugs, and since there was only room for the band and a couple crew members he could not bring along his personal French maid, chef or masseuse. But even the bus that was the most devoid of sufficient luxury can still facilitate a good Nightwish concert and a flattering image of Tuomas for the fangirls.

This bus could not do even the simplest job of going from one town to the next. It needed minor adjustments just to make short trips to the bar or smoke shop. They knew they were pressing their luck taking it on the road and now their luck was running out.

Anette was first to notice. “Umm Tuomas, there’s purple smoke coming from the exhaust.”

“Goddamn it Anette! Have you forgotten I have to meet with the fans?”

“and I can hear banging from inside the gas tank…”

“That’s just the gnomes. Once the gas levels get low you can hear them pumping away. How else to you think it gets to the engine. Please let me concentrate!” Tuomas has some funny ideas about automotive technology.

“Oh look. The muffler just fell off!” Shouted Anette over the terrible roar of the engine.

“GODDAMNIT SHUT UP! GIRLS DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CARS!” Shouted Tuomas, frustrated. He did not like to be doubted. Not at all.

Though Tuomas can live in denial, the gnomes and sylphs and fairies and other magical creatures that seem to drive every car that Tuomas ride in decided to give him a wake up call. The bus began to stall and eventually quit altogether.

He sighed. “Anette, what did I tell you about doubting?”

“Doubting? I’m right, as usual.”

“Every time you doubt the gnomes, sylphs and fairies they quit working. Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Because they get insulted at your lack of faith. That’s why. Can’t you just accept that?”

She went to the back of the bus and pouted, frustrated. Tuomas always had to take the fantastical perspective.

He walked outside and leaned against the side of the bus. Since the emergency dispatch was ignoring them they would have to rely on the kindness of strangers on the highway in southern Fangirlia. What could possibly go wrong?

He could see a car coming over the horizon. At last! He had been waiting in the cold tundra for an eternal fifteen seconds. He jumped about and waved like a maniac. The car passed, without even acknowledging the stranded one. Another appeared, and passed just as the last. Then another. Then another. Tuomas was fuming. Why would no one heed his cry for help?

“Having some trouble are we?” Anette taunted from inside. “Maybe you can get the fairies to fly ahead and ask for help.”

“Don’t distract me. I need to concentrate.”

As more cars passed, including a very lonely-looking trucker, Anette decided she had had enough. She put on her short skirt, heels and halter-top and walked outside into the tundra. There the girl stood, her pure white milky flesh shivering in the arctic breeze. Tuomas looked in envy. No matter what he did he could never look so pitiful as she did now.

“Who would ever stop for that?” Tuomas thought as he looked at her. Then he saw something fast approaching in the distance.

“Oh Boy! German tourists. We’re saved.”

The minibus slowed down and stopped. It was cold and the wind was beginning to blow snow and ice in their face. The window rolled down and a head poked out. “Hello. Do you speak English?”

“Yes,” Tuomas responded. “We need help. Our tourbus-“

“Ahem!” snorted Emppu. “Tuomas I know how much you love the sound of your own voice, but hello? They’re German, so I will be the one to show them the courtesy.”

“Emppu, I know you’re excited about learning German to impress your German fangirls, but really this isn’t the time-“

“Ahem! Steck Bratwurst in dein Saurkraut!"

The man just stared for a moment stunned. Emppu continued

“Dein weißes Fleisch erregt mich.”

Again the driver was stunned. He couldn’t figure out whether or not this little man was serious. Was this his idea of being polite?

“Bück dich, das Gesicht interessiert mich nicht.”

Not only was he stunned, but he was really unimpressed. He said something angrily, gesturing towards the floor of his van, then to the ground outside. Emppu smiled. He had been understood.

Five doors opened and five German men exited. They surrounded Emppu altogether, angry and offended. Though Emppu can be quite insolent, he is just charming enough to get away with it.

“Draußen wird ein Garten sein, und niemand hört dich schreien.”

Suddenly all their frowns faded into smiles. They laughed softly and shyly, and patted him on the back. He withdrew a flower from his pocket and put it in the driver’s hair. They patted him on the back, got back into the minibus, and drove off laughing.

“Well, mission accomplished!”

Tuomas was irate. “What do you mean mission accomplished?”

“My German phrases and Finnish charm are a perfect match. You saw how they reacted and they were totally straight and not even fans. What do you think will happen when I go to Germany?”

“Well thanks to you, we may never go anywhere!”

Emppu giggled. For him, the only thing more satisfying than trolling Germans is trolling Tuomas.

There they waited. It seemed unlikely anyone would dare take this road in the snowstorm. Gradually Tuomas began to slip into another depressive phase. Tears fell from his eyes as he stared into endless white. He would never make it in time. It just couldn’t happen.

“Well look on the bright side,” said Anette cheerfully. “At least you still have new socks.”

Choking back sobs, Tuomas bend over. After some fumbling through the white, the lifted up two masses of black. His Fort Bargain-bin socks. They could see the reason for his sadness. Each one was by now riddled with holes and tears. What could save them now?