“Yarrrrr Maytie. I got me some great ideas for the next album.”
“Jukka, this isn’t really a good time.”
“Oh! Oh! Listen to this,” he said excitedly and cleared his throat.
“When I go a sailin / I’m cruisin when its gailing / Sextent not be needed / Cause I got me wenches”
He looked at Tuomas. Tuomas shook his head.
“Alright then. How about this?” He asked. Again he cleared his throat.
“Over all the Seven Seas / Everything always pleases me / I dock my ship with my mayties / Take some booty / from the loot-”
“No!” Tuomas interrupted. “Can we do this later?”
“It’s always later, isn’t it?” Said Jukka angrily. “Everyone else be writing songs for Nightwish. Why not me?”
Tuomas didn’t respond, so Jukka started in again:
“When the day is over / I like to ease my mind / crack a grog open”
Tuomas interrupted again, increasingly frustrated. “If you want to write songs you at least have to have some original material.”
“Oh is that so? You been rippin off every great poet there is, lootin their stash and foolin the fans into thinking its yours. What you got to say to that, eh?”
Tuomas could not think of a response. The Captain went on:
“Aye men! / Ram her timbers hard! / Penetrate the Hull! Let the sea-”
“SHUT UP” shouted Marco. He said what everyone was else was thinking. “Jukka, your material isn’t masterly materials and can’t be used because me and Emppu and Tuomas can compository songs that are good enough for the recorder company. Understand?”
Jukka turned away and went to his bunk to pout quietly. Tuomas took out a notepad and quickly, yet discretely, wrote down everything Jukka had sung. Little did anyone know of his future pirate metal side project.
Tuomas continued to drive in silence. After a few miles were behind them he saw a sign in the distance.
“What does that sign say?” Asked Tuomas.
“It says…. ‘Turn here for a shortcut. No this is not some kind of trap’” Replied Emppu, suspiciously.
“Well I know a trustworthy sign when I see one,” said Tuomas as he turned without hesitation.
Emppu looked at Marco and Anette, with an expression of alarm and desperation. They knew immediately, but also that there was nothing that could be done. Tuomas was behind the wheel, bitch!
The road only went one way, with no turns or intersections. Eventually they came to a long, straight strip. At the end Tuomas could make out a building. It quite wide, but because they were facing it head-on they could not tell just how far it went. As they approached they could see it was quite grand and imposing. It was all black, like Tuomas’ soul during a losing poker match. They finally arrived at the entrance and left the bus. They stood for a moment affront the building. At the top of the archway there was sign. It read “#Nightwish.” They were not puzzled at all. By now they had certainly realized they were deep in the heart of Fangirlia.
The band entered the arch into a large hall-like room, quite wide, but much, much longer. At the end they could see a large sealed gate and at the top a black screen of glass. At the sides there were other smaller black screens, framed by plain black plastic. It was quite dark, except for the small specks of light from the windows near the ceiling, almost like stars they were so distant. Tuomas nodded. The rest knew what to do.
As they approached, the black iron gate came into clearer view. It was made of bars, ornately decorated with sculptures of dragons, some sleeping, some in mid-flight, and some merely awake and aware; some calm, some enraged. At the top there was a sign with gothic letters of black iron welded into a stone white background: “Dragonbot.”
For a moment they stood in awe, not knowing what to make of their new surroundings. Tuomas spoke:
“It’s… it’s… beautiful.”
This is the highest praise anyone or anything can receive. Tuomas is very vain and refuses to compliment anything for fear that it may be thought of as equal to his own creations.
Anette was speechless. She reached out to touch the cold, dead metal, but Emppu quickly grabbed her hand.
“Never tickle a sleeping dragon,” he warned. “We will just have to wait until she wakes.”
Just as he said that they heard a faint yet definitive click from the depths of the gate and beyond. It quickly removed them from their hypnotic state, but still they were mesmerized. Then another. Then another. Then again, and again, more rapidly than before. Eventually it became more like one single note. The ground started to shake and the walls trembled as the tone became a rumble. The band took a few steps as the quake intensified. Louder and louder it became. They could hear nothing but the noise; it was like a Manowar concert without the manliness or fun.
The gate swung open and behind it sat a large black metal dragon, just like the ones on the bars, with all its details outlined in dull silver. It was very imposing, standing before the five of them. They also noticed that all of the screens had lit up and were displaying computer text. Jukka pointed to the one atop the Dragonbot. It read:
TheLandLubbinCaptain (Julius_Neval@Dragonbotslair) has joined #Nightwish
Replacement_Heretic (Anette_Olzon@Dragonbotslair) has Joined #Nightwish
TheDrunkGiant (Marco_Hietala@Dragonbotslair) has Joined #Nightwish
HobbitVuorinen (Erno_Vouri@Dragonbotslair) has Joined #Nightwish
WhineyMcFancyPants (Tuomas_Holop@Dragonbotslair) has Joined #Nightwish
Each other screen displayed another name. The Dragonbot moved its head, and inspected each of them individually. It became apparent that there was no immediate danger. Tuomas spoke:
“I am not WhineyMcFancyPants. I am Oceansoul.”
Dragonbot glowed for a brief second. Then it appeared on the screen:
“WhineyMcFancyPants is now known as SpongebobSquarepants”
The other four laughed. Tuomas gave them a dirty look, then sighed. He is so much better than everyone else.
“Look here you metal monstrosity,” he said angrily, “What do we have to do to get out of here?”
The Dragobot stared back. No response.
“Tell me!” said Tuomas.
Nothing.
“Tell me!”
Nothing.
“Tell me!” he said in a nicer more conciliatory tone.
Again, Nothing.
“TELL ME!” He shouted in despair, with tears in his eyes.
The Dragonbot roared. It reared, revealing two large feet. With one it booted Tuomas. He flew for a distance and then slid towards the archway and disappeared. The other four watched this happen, then looked at the Dragonbot. Emppu noticed the screen
SpongebobSquarepants was booted from #Nightwish by DRAGONBOT (Stop repeating yourself!)
“Tuomas?!” They shouted, in anguish. “Tuomas?!”
After a mere few seconds, he came walking back in. Jukka showed him the screen.
“Alright gang. We will have to figure out what we need to know without talking. Marco, I know you only know twenty phrases but can you change them up a bit?”
Marco was offended: “I have no don’t fear the Dragon. Look.”
He faced the Dragonbot. It stared back, emotionless. Marco began:
“Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”
He turned to his friends, smiling.
“See? Nothing to fea-“
Before he could finish he was flying towards the door. He landed with a crash and slid outside. He quickly stormed back in, red in the face.
“What was that for, blackie?” He demaded.
As if on cue, the screen above Dragonbot displayed the same message:
TheDrunkGiant was booted from #Nightwish by DRAGONBOT (Stop repeating yourself!)
Marco was enraged, but still determined to show the Dragonbot that he could withstand more than it could give him. He does not give up easily. He began again:
“Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”
He stood there and smiled, satisfied. Again, the Dragonbot reared, lifted its foot and kicked Marco. This time it missed slightly, and instead of flying straight, he spun several times before finally exiting the long room. He soon came back in. It was obvious he was quite sick from all the cartwheels and flips he had done. He stumbled up to the Dragonbot and spoke.
“Hey that wasn’t ver-BLAAAAAAGH”
Before he could finish, the giant vomited all over the floor in front of the Dragonbot. He tried again.
“What I meant to say was- BLAAAAAAGH”
Again, he could not control his sickness. He tried twice more, and the same happened. The ground was becoming covered with watery giant-vomit.
“Look here- BLAAAAAAGH”
The Dragonbot had had enough. It reared and kicked Marco again, and he flew out the open door. Bouncing along the way, splashing in large pools of vomit.
Tuomas looked to the Dragonbot. “What was that for?” He demanded.
TheDrunkGiant was booted from #Nightwish by DRAGONBOT (Stop flooding!)
They stood there for a moment in disbelief. What were they to do with such an adversary in their way; in between Tuomas and his meet’n’greet?
***
Marco stood outside, frustrated. As he collected his wits, he began to wonder, with his giant’s curiosity, what was on the other side of this building. To find out, he leapt atop the tour bus and then atop the building and started running to the end. Though his train of thought had taken a completely different turn, little did he know he was well on the way to solving the Dragonbot riddle.
***
The remaining band members stood there for quite a time. Never did it occur to Tuomas to turn the bus around and take the normal route. He could never be wrong about anything, and certainly if his chosen path led to a giant metal dragon blocking his way, there must be a way through or he would never have confronted it. For a moment he thought he could hear faint footsteps on the roof, but cared little, for he was in problem-solving mode.
“Out of the way. I’ve got places to go and people to see.”
Nothing.
“Move!”
Nothing.
“Please move”
Nothing.
“Alright then,” he said with an expression of confidence and insanity. “I call upon almight God to strike down this mechanical monstrosity, this… abomination!, for only I may call upon HIM for such favors as only I am the truly righteous!”
BANG! This seemed to have an effect. The Dragonbot trembled, and looked behind itself alarmed. BANG! Again something was happening. Tuomas was gleeful. God had answered his prayers and unleashed His mighty wrath upon the Dragonbot. BANG! BANG! BANG! Again and again. Tuomas was ecstatic. Then they could hear an awful scraping. Dragonbot was moving backwards. Eventually they could see clear daylight as the dragon slid backwards, apparently dead, and moved aside. Clear as day was the silhouette of the giant, standing with his arms folded, smiling.
“THANK YOU GOD!” shouted Tuomas, gleefully, to the sky. “I KNEW YOU WOULD COME THROUGH. YOUR BACKSTAGE PASS FOR HARTWALL IS IN THE MAIL. I CAN’T THANK YOU AND YOUR ANGELS ENOUGH. Oh hi Marco. You missed the most fantastic display of divine power but don’t worry. He’s coming to Hartwall so you can see some of it there.”
Marco smiled. He knew better than to tell Tuomas that it was he who cleared the way, just as parents know better than to tell their children that it’s Viking-hamster that deliver their Christmas presents, not Santa Clause.
“Well what do you say, gang?” Asked Tuomas, happily. “Should we finally get going to my meet’n’greet so I can meet with my fans.”
They all cheered “Horray!” and started towards the bus. The room appeared quite nice with sunlight shining through it. Together they walked, through broken stone and giant-vomit.
They all piled into the tour bus, except Marco, who stood for a moment. Emppu spoke:
“Marco, we’re ready to go. What’s wrong?”
Marco turned towards Emppu, with an expression of anger and sadness.
“Marco. Want. SHINY!”
Oh no. Tuomas had just remembered. Marco had to see a shiny thing every day in order for him to keep his giant’s temper. There was only one place to go now to satiate his shinylust: the Fangirlia Museum.
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