Tuomas was in anguish. He had already written material with Marco’s vocals in mind, and did not want to start writing it out just yet. Though he appears in the music infrequently, Marco is the only way he can manifest the more masculine side of his soul when it decides to pop up every now and then. If the Tearoomers chose to skin him alive, there might not be anything left down there to put on stage.
“We’ve got to save him!” said Tuomas in a worried tone.
“Ah matey, ye never cared for anyone else. Why be Marco so important to yeh?”
“He’s not like you. He actually does something for this band. Can’t you people see? We have got to save him.” He was becoming more agitated every moment that passed.
Anette by this time was not impressed: “Am I hearing you correctly? First you tell me we are all temporary, and now you want us to risk our lives to save a band member-“ but Tuomas interrupted.
“We get him back or you’re all fired!”
They had no choice but to shut up and oblige. They knew Tuomas was the boss and he meant business. It is a little known fact that Tarja was actually fired because she could not agree on which daytime soap operas they should watch. There is room for only one drama queen in Nightwish.
“Alright, so here is how it’s going to work. I will create the plan, tell you guys exactly what to do, and then just do some bullshit in the background even though everyone is looking at me.”
The band nodded. They were all too familiar with this routine.
“Alright Anette. You go up the window and sing. Sing one line from a Tarja song exactly like Tarja would, and then sing one line from a Dark Passion Play song as you did on the album.”
Anette was confused: “Alright, but how will that help?”
“Nightwish didn’t get to where we are today by people asking questions-“
“No,” said Emppu. “We got here today because those pesky Tearoomers lit your weed stash and we had to put Kimmo behind the wheel.”
Tuomas glared for a painful second and then continued: “When I say “now,” you two run inside and save Marco. Jukka, you should be able to cut him free with your pirate cutlass. Check with your binoculars to see where the Tearoomers are and where Marco is.”
He examined for a second and exclaimed: “Them wild water cats are at the North coast. Marco be towards the south on the starboard side.”
Tuomas, as a master at using other members’ ideas and findings, motioned for Anette to go to the appropriate window of the room next to where the Tearoomers were. It was crucial that they not actually see her. She approached the open window and began:
“Baptized with a perfect name / the doubting one by heart / alone without himself”
The Tearoomers were hypnotized, just as they were every time they heard her voice. Anette looked back at Tuomas, who gave her the thumbs-up, and tried a Tarja song.
“Once there was a child’s dream / one night the clock struck twelve / the window open wide.”
The Tearoomers looked at each other, confused. Why on Earth would Tarja be here? Twice more Anette sang contrasting lines. It was becoming more and more aggravating. The plan was working.
“Uhh, Tearoomers. What’s going on?” One said.
“Isn’t it obvious? Tarja and Anette are competing for our love,” said another as the serenade continued.
“Well
“You can go to Hell, bitch.”
Tuomas could hear everything from outside the tourbus. His symphony was playing in perfect harmony, just like a dozen cats fighting over a mate.
“Hey hey,” said one who was trying to diffuse the situation. “The Tarja/Anette debate is getting old now. Besides, they’re both outside the Teahouse. What more do you girls want ?”
“Shut up you fat cow or you will end up like Tarja when I am finished with her!”
Tuomas had not felt this excited since he stole Emppu’s material for Whoever Brings the Night. He signalled for Anette to do the grand finale.
“NEMO MY NAME FOEVER!”
It came out awful. It even shocked the socks off of Tuomas who was all too familiar with really bad vocal performances. The Tearoomers, normally an emotional bunch, stopped what they were doing and looked in the direction of the singing. Anette looked back at Tuomas desperately. No one knew what to make of the situation.
No one was more puzzled than the Tearoomers. What would make Tarja drop a line like that? Did she have a sore throat? Was she nervous about singing to her biggest fans? Did Anette shove a sock down her throat, or had one of the Fanette Tearoomers gotten to her first? There was only one way to find out. One of the girls approached cautiously and looked out the window.
No Tarja in sight. Only one frightened-looking Anette and Tuomas in the background.
“Aha! I see what’s happened. You killed Tarja and then though you would make a mockery of her, you slimy whore.”
Anette stumbled back terrified. The one Tearoomer stared at her with an emotion of hatred and glee.
“NOOOOOO! NOT TARJA”
Marco had until this point simply been enjoying the commotion, until he heard that. He cared little for anyone else in the band, but if anyone even looked at Tarja the wrong way he would always react. He ripped his chains from the wall and rampaged through the teahouse, running through walls and knocking over statues of the band that had been so carefully and lovingly sculpted. Emppu and Jukka chased after him, pleading for him to see what was going on.
“WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO TARJA? WHAT DID YOU LITTLE BITCHES DO TO HER?”
Everyone looked stunned. Just when they thought the situation could not possibly get any weirder, an angry giant wrecked up the Teahouse looking for answers about a murder that never occurred.
Emppu and Jukka caught up, out of breath, and explained:
“Marco, Marco, calm down. No one is dead. Anette only pretended to be Tarja so that the Tearoomers would think Tarja and Anette would compete for their love-“
Emppu had said too much. The Tearoomers did not like this at all. “Emppu, shut up. To the bus everyone!” shouted Tuomas from afar. He had already started the engine. Marco grabbed Anette, Jukka and Emppu and held them high so the girls couldn’t take them back. They gave chase. Closer and closer did they gain. It was a suspenseful moment. Would Tuomas decide to save himself and leave his friends to die?
The bus door was open, but he was pulling away. Marco tossed the other three members through and they clambered up the steps to safety. He kept running until he was with arms reach, grabbed onto the back bumper and dug his heels into the road.
Tuomas looked out: “I get it Marco. You want to come with us. Get in then!”
Marco ran around to the side and jumped in the open door. The tourbus sped off down the highway. What an escape!
The Tearoomers were experiencing all kinds of emotions over the past situation. In ten minutes they had captured their favourite band, read them a chapter of fanfic, not gained their approval, fought with the most useless member, let all but one escape, been duped into thinking that Tarja and Anette were serenading them, been duped into thinking Anette murdered Tarja, and then let Marco, the last one in the teahouse, escape without opposition. Normally a proud group, they were not pleased with themselves.
“What’d did I miss?” Kimmo had just woken up from a quick nap. He would have to do.
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