Chapter 9

Jukka leapt up and spoke: “So ye wild water cats, ye thought you could trick Captain Jukka? Well yer quite clever ye see. But I’ll teach ye a thing or two about the Seven Seas. We follow a code of honour, ye see? Ye can lie, cheat, steal, but ye can never EVER get a man high on his own stash! That crosses a forbidden line somewhere between the Straits and the edge of the Earth. Aunt that the truth, boys?”

“Aye, Aye, Captain!” said the other members of Nightwish, who were quite enjoying the theatrical standoff between the Pirate of the Sea and the secret society of half-girls-half-cat who adored them to the point of insanity.

Jukka resumed: “Normally I could have cut a deal with ye, but yer word: what’s it worth? Parrot shit! That’s what. This can only be settled one way.”

The Tearoomers had no qualms fighting Jukka. Knowing everything about the band dating back a thousand years, they knew he was unimportant and could be replaced on a whim once the pirate gimmick had worn off. They stood for a few seconds, brandishing their claws, their eyes narrowed.

“Do no deny your purpose, Jukka-“

“That’s CAPTAIN Jukka ye scallywags-“

And then they were upon him. They scratched and clawed every which way. But for every move the Tearoomers made Jukka was at least one ahead, like a Russian Chess Grandmaster. As a drummer he not only has the gift of speed but also timing. Fragments of claw, hair, fat and cat flew all around them.

Normally Tuomas would have run off and left his friends to their own devices. But not now. He was still high on weed and no one who is high on weed can turn away from a pirate-versus- half-fangirls-half-cat deathmatch. Not only him, but the rest of the band sat there and cheered when he made a made a good move.

After about five minutes of frenzy, the rest of the band got bored. By this time, even Jukka had bee scratched up quite a lot. They all ran towards the bus, except Marco. He has a very limited focus, and was too distracted by the fight to realize that everyone else was going for the tourbus. Even as the entire party, even Jukka and the trailing Tearoomers, was leaving, he still sat there and watched.

The band ran into the bus and slammed the door. The Tearoomers followed, yowling and biting and scratching at the steel walls. The band could hear them crawling over and under and on the sides. It was quite terrifying. After a minute or so they all left. “What a relief,” they all thought. Tuomas went to HI-5 everyone in celebration.

“HI-5, Anette!”

“HI-5!”

“HI-5 Emppu”

“HI-5”

“HI-5, Jukka”

“That’s Captain Jukka, ye scallywag.”

“HI-5, Marco”

But there was no one there. Only after an incomplete round of HI-5s did the band realize that Marco had stayed behind in the Tearoom, and the Tearoomers had since gone back.

* * *

The Tearoomers went back to the Tearoom, frustrated. This had been their best ever chance to trap the band. They could be certain they would never venture thought Fangirlia again. But then their mood brightened. As they entered the room, the saw a very large giant with long hair and a long funny beard. He spoke:

“Why hello there. You girls just missed a really good fight. I would upload it to youtube but my brain cells aren’t fortiretarded enough in an applicabletory way like such as is requiremented for something extremecremently smart like that. Maybe Tuomas can help.”

The girls smiled and protracted their claws. The giant was horrified.