Chapter 15

In the distance they could see a large van speeding towards them. As it approached they could see that it was covered in dozens of stickers. Each was one of theirs. It seemed an odd coincidence. It stopped, and a dozen girls got out and stood in a huddle, whispering amongst themselves. Then they all nodded and once and one of the short ones approached them. “G’day, mates. What’s up?” The question was punctuated by her munching.

Tuomas spoke for the band, as he always does. “We broke down and we’re stranded. The gnomes got offended and stopped working for us when the flavour of the month offended them. Would you believe that ditz was running her mouth about them not existing?”

“Hey! Be nice. We all say things we shouldn’t.” Fragments of white bread and a strangely alien brown substance spewed from her mouth as she spoke in her bizzah accent. Some foreigners and their customs can be quite obnoxious.

Tuomas turned away. “Apparently she isn’t the only one who needs to keep her mouth shut.”

“Oh, the sandwich? Its glorious. Here, want some?” She held it up high, for the band towered high above her.

Jukka bit, munched, and swallowed, the courageous one he is. He was intrigued. “Jarr! It be tasty. Tell me, where can a buccaneer plunder a jar?”

She giggled through a mouthful of the slop. A stream was beginning to form down her neck and shirt. “It’s called vegemite. It’s from ‘Stralia.”

“Ahh Australia. I sailed there once when I was just a little power monkey on the Man-O-War. Those were the days. Fighting the world every single day…”

She laughed loudly, until she choked. She stumbled back, sending projectiles in every direction. Nothing makes her laugh harder than cheesy Manowar puns.

“Well! That’s enough munchies for one day.” She shoved the half-eaten sandwich down her jeans and withdrew from its place a very large bottle of clear liquid. Maybe she isn’t the most flattering representative of the Nightwish fanbase. As she sat on the ground swallowing mouthfuls of poison, they could not tell whether or not she had been sent fourth as a cruel joke. No worries. As long as the situation is sufficiently laughable, there is no limit to what some will endure.

The group stood there watching the train wreck unfold. They had predicted what would happen next and they were right. The Aussie girl approached Jukka, and whispered something romantic in his hear. He nodded and smiled a smug smile, just as a pirate does and the two of them disappeared into the bus.

Another girl was pushed fourth, dressed head-to-toe in various shades of green, clutching a half-full pint glass, even though there wasn’t a pub for miles. She spoke, in a very heavy Irish accent. “Hey ye wanderers. It’s a pleasure to meet some foreign exotic skalds on the cold trail out here.”

The remaining four looked at one another and nodded. Emppu had a hopeful expression, but Tuomas gave him a most disapproving look. There would be no band-and-fan orgies today. Some things are far more important.

“Look, Miss, we’re stranded in the Finnish tundra. Could you please tell me what to do?” Tuomas had learned that acting polite towards his inferiors was often seen as something really virtuous.

“We’ll get to that in good time, MISTER!,” she said with a smile. She was amused, as the Irish are not well-known for such formalities. “Trust me, I’m Irish. I can help.”

She pulled a circular stone from her pocket, inscribed with runes along the outside.

“Not this bullshit again,” called a voice from the group.

“aye? Shut the FUCK up!” she shouted as she dropped her glass. The golden-brown liquid flowed and danced amongst the crystal shards of glass, sparkling in the sun.

She held up the stone, with an intriguing look in her eye. They could have sworn they saw a wink. “Everyone join hands with mine. Your life is about to change.”

Everyone did, except Tuomas, who looked at them in disgust. “You haven’t learned your lesson, even after the jack-in-the-box? Just what can you do, besides sing and play music?”

“We can DANCE!” said Emppu, and he and the girl did a spontaneous jig on the spot. His random happy outbursts for the day had been far fewer than what is required by the Emppuholics’ quota, and he feared what would happen if he left it too long.

So there were two band members distracted.

“You bitches are all stupid. See? I will help them,” said a girl with a Latino accent. She strode forward purposefully, with an objective. “Look here Tuomas. You’ve got to get you shit together. Stop being such a diva and get on with your life.”

This was sad indeed. Tuomas was being advised on life by a psycho fangirl.

“Well now that that skank Anette is out of my sight, I’m willing to help-“

“I will NOT have you call her names like that. I am a man of good taste and so are these other three. We would certainly not take any old slapper on the long and lonely road. We need class.” Tuomas is always very defensive of his multiple bridge partners.

“Everyone knows she was dredged from the gutter of Swedish Eurotrash. You’re Nightwish, not ABBA. Get it together. You could have any girl you wanted-”

“I chose well. She is a great companion for the four of us and has ever increasing skills. She can even play dirty when the situation commands a little trickery.”

“Look at the broad. She would go lonely at a rest home.”

“Oh yeah? Well you would go lonely in a prison!”

The two glared at each other for a split second and then both burst into tears. Tuomas spoke first like he always does:

“You have no idea what its like for us. Everywhere we go its ‘Tarja this,’ ‘Tarja that,’ ‘when’s Tarja coming back,’ ‘when’s Anette getting sacked.’ I deal with this bullshit every day.”

She was sobbing by this point. “We miss Tarja. We need her back. There isn’t a day that goes by we don’t listen to her and you, together in angelic harmony, and weep at the eternal loss. And then we see this?! You parading around that-“

“Say no more. Say no more.”

The two had run out of words. She turned and vanished into the silver Finnish fog. Her path through the light power snow was slowly obscured by the gentle northern breeze. Gone. No prints; no tracks.

Tuomas dusted off his hands, satisfied. “Well that’s one less psycho fangirl.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” shouted one of them. “She came back two days after we met Sonata Arctica. Apparently some people really like Jani.”

“Oh that draft-dodging, two timing ginger slut?”

“Oh so you have an opinion too? See? We’re not so different, are we?”

The group spoke amongst themselves again and chose a new representative. An woman, definitely older than the rest, with really curly hair walked forward.

“At last!” Tuomas exclaimed. “Someone with a shred of sanity.”

As she approached the three of them, they could quickly sense an overwhelming stench of tobacco smoke and old cheap Polish vodka. Are all Nightwish fans alcoholics? “Sorry for the conduct of my cohorts. They are quite immature at such an age” she said in a very heavy Slavic accent.

“HEY! SHUT UP GRANDMA!”

“Well maybe if you grew up you could talk to Tuomas too,” she snapped back to one of the group members. “Anyway,” she said as she turned to the three of them. “Just up the road you will find-“

“GET AWAY FROM THEM YOU COW!”

“WELL HIT PUBERTY AND EAT SOMETHING IF YOU WANT BOOTY!”

Tuomas shook his head. “This is getting nowhere.” He leaned forward and whispered, “lets talk in the bus. On the count of three, we’ll make a dash.”

They all nodded together. Tuomas began: “One! Two!”

“RUNNNN!” Shouted Marco and started running in the other direction, frantically. Instructions can be very confusing for some. The other girls took off behind him, but were hopelessly unable to catch up. The remaining band members and the Slav walked calmly into the bus.

“Well glad that’s over-OH MY GOD”

They had forgotten that Jukka had entered the bus with the Australian girl. The first thing he saw then he opened the door was the two of them, sitting in front of the T.V. with vodka in one hand, and popcorn in the other. The program was most different from the sophisticated stuff they were use to: “Jarrrrr strap the wench in. The rack be best for pacifying ye while we dig yer buried gold. The trail’s a bit muddy, but no trouble for a buccaneer to-”

Tuomas grabbed the two of them by the shoulder, and spoke sternly: “If you want to watch such programming, you’re going to have to do it on the break.” He marched the girl outside, who didn’t mind such disdainful treatment as long as Tuomas was touching her. Her life was complete as of this moment. As she was being dragged out her wallet dropped from her pocket. Emppu picked it up. “Oh girl, here’s your wallet,” he said as he handed it to her, not mentioning the glimpse he caught of Tuomas’ naked portraits in the clear pocket for such beloved pictures.

They sat down. Tuomas spoke: “Where can we go from here?”

Though she was like the rest of them, the Slav knew well her company. “These are some of your most devout fans.”

“Yeah. We can tell.”

“So what can you give them that no one else can?”

“Well… I don’t know.”

“Well step out there. You’ll think of something. What would you give God if he helped you so?”

“Backstage passes, but I’ve run out.”

“Well alright then. Just try asking. Never hurts.”

“Alright,” Tuomas sighed, and stepped outside.­­­­

He looked at the group, now in serious need. They could sense his desperation and all ran forward at once, in typical fangirl fashion, no longer able to contain themselves. They all spoke at once, quickly and excitedly, seemingly in one voice.

“Tuomas, Tuomas, oh my God… I can tell your day has gone badly… did you get my special gift? I left it between your sheets… need a place to crash?... there’s a rest stop down that dark and scary trail and I swear it doesn’t lead to my house… I know you know me. I live under your bed… will you please write a song about me and you, together, six feet beneath the Earth..”

“STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!”

The girls froze, startled. Surely this was not Tuomas. Tuomas is perfect. Always with perfect levels of emotion.

“What do you girls want from me? Who do you think I am?”

One of them stammered “You’re… you’re Tuomas. From Nightwish. The best band of all time. Ou… our reason to live.”

“I am your purpose in life? Your reason to be?”

They nodded. Some of them were in tears. He looked at the oldest one, easily ten years senior to the rest. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-five.”

“Have you ever kissed a boy?”

“No Tuomas. I’ve been saving myself… saving my purity for you…”

He sighed heavily, for real this time. “We’re just a band. Get a life.”

They all stood there, stunned for a moment. Then Tuomas had an idea.

“Wait a minute,” he shouted and disappeared into the bus. He stepped back out with an envelope in his hand.

“I have an idea. Girls, get me some men’s socks, a working tourbus and move all our stuff into it.”

“What’s in it for us?” asked one of them.

He held up the envelope high enough for them to see. “Backstage passes to our next show in Hyvinkää!”

The girls completely freaked out. The entire band smiled, except Jukka, who sat behind with his head in his hands.

“I have no idea how you are going to pull this off, but you know what I say?”

“YES!” shouted one girl who stepped forward. “A true fan ‘would be a loyal fan. The one that trusts us and doesn't judge by what he or she sees or hears.’” She recited the quote perfectly.

“Correct! Extra cookies for this girl here!”

She giggled and jumped up and down. Then they all ran off into the Finnish fog, quickly for they were on a mission from God.

Anette approached Tuomas. “Are we playing a show in Hyvinkää?”

“No.”

“So what was in the envelope?”

“Jarrr” sighed Jukka. “They be my Fort Bargain Bin coupons! And I been raidin’n’stashin em since I been a cadet on the Man’O’War.”

“You can cry later Jukka. The tourbus and socks are more important.”

And there they stood waiting. They knew they did not have long, for no one could ever be so determined than Nightwish fangirls questing for backstage passes.