On the road again. Time was short, and they decided that Jukka should be at the helm because there is no one else so fearless in Nightwish. The four land-lubbers huddled in fear as he tore through the Finnish countryside.
“Emppu, are you alright?” asked Anette, as she is always the caring one. The dwarf was trembling in fright from the experience.
He tried to answer but the words failed him. He just could not speak through his violently clattering teeth. He needed medical help and it would need to be soon.
“Jukka,” Anette called, “Emppu needs a doctor.”
“Aye? On the high seas there’d be a surgeon for every ship.”
“This is Fangirlia, and this is not a ship. We have to stop. Check the route ahead for a doctor.”
He rummaged through his belongings until he found his map. He located the site of the meet’n’greet, their own latitude, longitude, speed (in knots), and exact direction. Almost on the very route they were supposed to take, he found a place on the map: Chez TheDoctor. Surely they could find medical help here.
“Jarr mayties. I found the perfect place to help our friend here.”
Anette was elated. “Oh my God are you certain?”
“’X’ marks the spot, my fair maiden!”
She giggled nervously, and hugged Emppu. This was a unique occasion: that she did this when the fans were not watching. She had never felt more attached to one band member as she did now with the prospect of losing him to insanity. Some fans just do not know where to draw the line.
He drove into a clearing with many log cabins. Using the position of the Sun, he turned the bus directly towards Chez TheDoctor, driving through backyards and porches, and knocking over snowmen and trees.
“Jukka, could you be a little more careful? Someone might get hurt.”
“Jarr yer pants be as fancy as Threepwood’s. Ye know what they say? A friend in need…”
“Is undead INDEED!” shouted Marco, for anyone who would get the joke. The others rolled their eyes.
“Here Emppu” Anette motioned towards the T.V. “Why don’t you watch some T.V.”
She helped the dwarf over to the sofa, and together they sat down gently.
“Lets see what we have here.” She picked up a stack of Jukka’s D.V.D.s. “Hmm… ‘Captain Hook Harpoons a Sperm Whale.’ Does that one sound good?”
He nodded, and she put it on. Then she went to Tuomas, who was huddled in the back.
“Tuomas, I’ve got something I need to talk to you about,” she whispered in a SERIOUS BUSINESS tone.
He looked at her, curiously. “Is something troubling you?”
“Well, yes. All this fan and famous stuff is really driving me crazy. The tea house, the Dragon robot, the Emppuholic: it’s all too much for a lovely little Swedish girl.”
“What are you saying? That you won’t play bridge with me anymore?”
“What I’m saying is-”
They were interrupted by a sudden yelp from the T.V. room so the two rushed in to see what had happened.
“Jarr maytie! How much you reckon she weighs?”
“She be a good size. Nice catch I must say. Ye can take her down from the net when ye think yer ready.”
“Nah it be easier if I leave it be. Can stick my harpoon in whenever I please.”
Anette ran over to the T.V. and switched it off. Emppu was now even more distraught from what he had seen of Jukka’s pirate porn. He needed help even more now.
“Shiver me timbers! I see it on the horizon!”
Sure enough he had spotted the place of TheDoctor.
They pulled up to his front door, knocking over plastic reindeer and a snowman who had been dressed in a trench coat and sunglasses. They leapt out and walked Emppu in through the front door to a lobby. The walls were lined with benches, and posters; some of Nightwish, but others of The Matrix and Doctor Who.
“Hello!” shouted Tuomas. “Our friend needs help.”
A man with really short hair and a long black trench coat came forward.
“Bonjour et Bienvenue! I am TheDoctor.”
“Great.” Tuomas was relieved. “My friend is in a state of shock and needs a few downers.”
“Non, non, non!” he shook his head. “Me, I like the name, you see. I’m a big fan of ZeDoctor on the Tele. I’m not a real doctor but I might have something.”
He disappeared for a moment, then returned with a bottle of pills.
“Here,” he offered with a glass of water. “Take two. They take ten minutes to take effect. Sit please, while I prepare the next drug.”
The six of them sat down and he turned on the television for them.
“.. this was the scene a short time ago: one of violence, carnage, and brutality. The Teahouse was sacked by Nightwish fangirls questing for backstage passes; its inhabitants butchered alive. Both parties are said to have interacted with the band this very day: a chilling reminder why most public figures stay out of Fangirlia…”
“Here we are” TheDoctor came rushing back with a bottle, and six glasses. One by one he filled them all with red wine. He showed them into an adjacent room with several chairs and a poker table, with chips and cards.
“Sit, si vous plait.”
They all sat as he dealt the cards. Emppu was already starting to come down, and the wine was of help for him, the lightweight he is.
“Shouldn’t we be getting on our way?” Tuomas whispered to Anette.
“Don’t worry. I know just the way to an early exit” she replied as she glanced at his house rules.
The game began. Anette was the clear victor, and when she reached across the table for her winnings, she let her back table legs lift up slightly as she reached across the table.
“Ah!” said TheDoctor triumphantly. “Read the house rules. Rule #572: All chair legs must remain on the ground at all times. I hoped I would not have to go this, but…”
He reached for a small chalk board, and wrote something on it.
Warn Status
Anette: 15%
Marco: 0%
Jukka: 0%
Emppu: 0%
Tuomas: 0%
Anette looked stunned. “15% for one incident?”
“Ah! So you admit what you did is wrong.”
“Well it wasn’t so bad I guess…”
“Ah! Disputing! Rule #239: No disputing TheDoctor.”
He grabbed the chalk board again.
Warn Status
Anette: 30%
Marco: 0%
Jukka: 0%
Emppu: 0%
Tuomas: 0%
Even Tuomas had to pause, as he looked over his cards and plotted his next move. This Doctor seemed to be an odd fellow. His rules were really strange. Did Anette know who she was dealing with?
She won another hand. What luck! She figured this called for a victory dance, so she leapt up and did her favourite dance to do on stage.
“Ah! La dancer! Il est defendu!”
He reached for the chalk board again. Though Anette had her winnings, she was even closer now to full status
Warn Status
Anette: 50%
Marco: 0%
Jukka: 0%
Emppu: 0%
Tuomas: 0%
“Oh come on!” she protested. “I get 20% for dancing? How is that fair?”
“Assi, Madame, or it will be more.”
She sat, and took her cards like the lovely girl she is supposed to be, lest she be fired like Tarja. She would have to try something else.
“Say, Tuomas, what’s your favourite movie?”
“Umm… anything Disney really. I thought anyone who listened to Dark Passion Play could figured that out. They called and asked for their sound back but I was all ‘Bitch what?’ and they were like-”
“Ok shut up for a second. Marco?”
“Umm… The Spongebob Squarepants movie. It’s a nice intellectionary piece for brainicacs like me.”
“You Emppu?” she asked, as he was nice and calm now. Had the drugs been too effective?
“I like turtles,” he responded. Yes, his dose had been too strong.
“Jukka? No. Don’t answer that.”
TheDoctor thought for a minute and then became enraged. “What is this? No one likes The Matrix?”
“Oh so that’s where the outfit comes from? You know if you’re going for the Neo look you could stand to lose a few pounds.”
“This does not please me; not one bit.” He reached again for the chalkboard.
Warn Status
Anette: 70%
Marco: 10%
Jukka: 10%
Emppu: 10%
Tuomas: 10%
“You all get 10% for not being Matrix fanboys. Anette gets an extra dix for her snide remark about my waistline.”
She sat and the game continued as normal, then she began coughing. She started towards his kitchen.
“Leaving the table? Going to the kitchen? Care to explain?”
“It’s not against the rules.”
“Getting up from the table and moving to a different room? It might not be against your house rules, but it is certainly against mine.”
“Oh really? Well if you want I can keep out.”
“Oh you will,” he said angrily as he walked over to his closet. “I garanty it!” In his hands was the greatest weapon of all: The almighty Banhammer!
“But… but….” she stammered “I only have 80%”
“It matters not.”
“Run!” she shouted, and they darted towards the door. He swung the hammer down on the table and it disappeared forever. He followed, but they had quickly left his place and were going for the bus. They were used to running from fans, and really this Doctor was no different, as they could see as they dashed past several posters and paraphernalia from Nightwish and other pop culture enterprises. They mocked him for dressing up as his hero, and he does not like it when people shatter this delusion. One by one they piled in. Jukka started the engine, and as he drove off through the fence and frozen lawn of his yard he made a promise to himself not to stop again before the meet’n’greet, no matter the cost.
“Grass is better when you smoke it on the greener side,” Marco reflected as he watched the countryside disappear into fog before him. His journey was coming to a close. He could sense it.
Excellent :)
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