Chapter 18

Tuomas brought the sheet close to his face and examined it. It was all filled out completely, with the Ts crossed and the Is dotted with hearts. Clearly there had been in intervention because no true Emppuholic would have been able to complete such a task independently.

“What does it say?” Anette was curious. Tuomas looked as if he had just found the next great idea to rip off.

He put the forum down with shaking hands. “Do… you… realize what that woman is?”

“Yeah. She’s nice but a bit quirky. She’s a fan.”

“Not just any fan.” He held up the form and the three of them gasped.

“Jarrrr” sighed Jukka. “They be the wildest y’ever come across. What’s a pirate to do?”

“She’s got him in private. We’ve got to get him free.”

“So what’s the plan Tuomas?”

He thought for a moment and quickly found problem solving is much more difficult without the clarity granted by a clean joint from British Columbia.

“Come with me. They went this way.” Tuomas led them down the corridor but it came to a dead end.

“What do we do now?” asked Anette. She was beginning to feel dismayed, as it was always her fantasy to be the damsel in distress.

Tuomas has a good ear, and began knocking on each wall and listening to the sound it made. Eventually he found what he was looking for. “Marco, tear down this wall!”

He stood there with his arms folded. “Marco no tool for Tuomas. I’m no destructionator.”

After a moment of thought, Tuomas had another idea. He whispered to Jukka, who then handed him a shiny item from the museum. The giant has but one weakness.

“Hey Marco,” Tuomas said and looked him in the eye. “You would like a shiny, wouldn’t you?”

Again the giant was hypnotized by the shinies of the Fangirlia museum. SHINY SHINY SHINY! Jukka took his cutlass and carefully cut a hole in the thinnest part of the wall. He waved the shiny in front of the giant’s face, then threw it through the hole into the darkness. Without hesitation he dashed in the direction of the glimmering artefact, headlong through into the wall, crashing through the wood and drywall.

“Come on!” Tuomas led the others through the gaping hole down a staircase. Marco was sitting mesmerized by the gleaming golden metal. Jukka snatched it from him so to intice him to journey on.

At the bottom was a long hallway of framed portraits. Each one of the band, and each one had Emppu’s head painted on each member. Not only were there promo shots but also live pictures from fans and professional photographers alike; from all parts of the band’s history.

“Oh no,” whispered Tuomas. “It’s worse than I thought.”

As they walked they saw more such pictures. Not band pictures. These were famous photos. On one side: Elvis’ wedding, Marilyn Monroe glamour shots, Kanye’s interruption and others from popular culture. On the other: the raising of the flag at Iwo Jima, “Migrant Mother” from the Great Depression, even one of Tank Man in Tiananmen Square. All were of notorious people. And all were painted over in the image of Emppu.

As the walked the scenes changed. No longer were they photographs but famous paintings: The Last Supper with an Emppu-Jesus, the Mona Lisa with Emppu’s face and charming smile, not hiding anything at all. They continued and the paintings became progressively older. On one side they saw part of the Bayeux Tapestry, with Emppu woven into William the Conqueror’s place. On the other: stained glass images of him rocking out at the altar and on the mount. A few more steps and they came to the Ancients: Egyptian drawings and Roman mosaics of a blonde haired guitarist in villas and on boats in the Nile.

“Jarrr I don’t like the look o’ this,” said Jukka as they came to the end of the hallway to a single door. Tuomas turned the golden handle and opened to an unspeakable horror: a giant round room with a ledge running around the entire circumference. Beneath them: the blades of a giant blender. From above they heard cackling.

“Ahahaha! So you thought you could save your friend! Well you’re too late. Once I complete the ritual I will be imbued with his magical power and then I can show the others that I am the greatest Emppuholic of all.”

She poured several liquids into the basin below: energy drinks, chocolate milk, Finlandia vodka and other sickening but delicious liquids.

“You cannot win, fiend!” Tuomas shouted, as he quickly searched for a way up.

“What was that?” she asked as she dumped a batch of specially-made cookies into the mix. “I can’t hear you over the sound of my own success.”

“We don’t have much time. Quick! I have an idea”

Tuomas looked at Anette strangely. “When did you gain the ability to think?”
“Look Tuomas, if we can disrupt the ritual, we can save him.”

The four of them huddled together and discussed the plan. It was the most desperate thing they would attempt since Anette’s dye job.

She walked around the edge pretending to be looking a solution, while the Emppuholic continued to add cocktails and ice cream to the grotesque mix.

“Oh shit! I dropped my keys!”

Tuomas ran over, flailing his arms with a look of surprise. “Oh no! What ever should we do?” There is a reason he never went into film acting.

“I have ideality, WhineyMcBoogerpants. We make ho… hoooo….. dammnit what was it again? [Anette whispered it to him] hoomun chain and fish the key out!”

“Jarr! a fine idea if I ever heard one.”

Tuomas held Anette’s feet as she laid against the side of the basin. Jukka took Tuomas then Marco took Jukka. They had formed a human chain that reached almost to the blades.

“Oh I can almost reach them…” she reached in vain as she strained the chain. “I could use a fishing rod or something.”

“HEY!” shouted the Emppuholic. “Get out of there Bitch. This is the Emppuholic Engagement, not the Fanette Fandango.”

“Now!” whispered Tuomas. Nothing happened.

“NOW!” he shouted. Nothing.

“Tuomas, we are all in this chain.”

“Oh right” he said and dropped Anette in the murky soup below. She surfaced from the dark depths as Marco pulled the rest of them up.

“Oh now you’ve done it!” Neither woman was pleased. Both had had their meticulous plans go awry and both had had their day ruined.

“Anette, it’s not you who needs to look pretty two hours from now” he shouted as he formed a human ladder to reach the giant measuring cup. They could just barely see Emppu peering from over the side, terrified.

Tuomas came to the top as both women glared. “There we are. Emppu, come into my arms.

He helped the dwarf out of his plastic prison, and he climbed down the tower of bodies to safety, trembling all the way. They all came down to Earth. Tuomas dusted off his hands.

“I think that went well. What do you say we get out of here boys?”

“I’m still here damnit!” shouted Anette. “Don’t just walk away and leave me.”

“Oh I don’t see why we shouldn’t. You two girls would go well together.”

“Don’t be such a bitch. Rescue me.”

Tuomas sighed and tossed a rope of liquorice that he had intended to pilfer. She climbed to safety from the black soup and clean cut silver blades. The Emppuholic was sobbing.

“Why oh why did I lose him? All I ever wanted was to drink him through my straw!”

The five of them turned and left. They all made a silent pledge to be more vigilant.

“Wait one second.” The men looked at her as she searched her pockets and purse. “I think I dropped my keys.”

They all groaned. Would they have to go back into the pit.

“Just kidding!” she waved the gleaming objects in front of the male members: the last part of her image still shining after the debacle.